I woke up uncomfortably from the disturbed bed looking at the person lying beside me. I hated the sight of his peaceful sleep especially when I am so terribly disturbed. And more than anything else, I hated myself for hating him for no reason. To my defense, I had never slept with a man before and here, I was sharing the bed with almost a stranger. Of course, he is my husband but the fact is that I saw his full human shape only 2 days back. And trust me when I say he looked quite different in those photoshop-enhanced photographs and the blurry breaking images (streamed through web cam) that were showed to me earlier. But it was too late anyway. Now, the only thing I know about him is that he works in a picturesque foreign land, earns a handsome salary(more handsome than his whole personality put together) and that he is going to take me with him to this never-land in a week.
Looking back at the past, I have never been a decision-maker, forget about being a good decision maker. I think it all began when I was 7 years old. I was a big fan of Madhuri Dixit and wanted to dance like her. But my father took me to singing classes instead. I told him that I wanted to dance but he decided that I was not good at dancing and that it was not for good girls. Though a part of me still debate if dancing is for good girls or not, I am pretty sure that I would not have made a good dancer. But the point is that I wasn't good at singing either and I dropped out of the classes within a year. Probably, it was the last time when I told him what I wanted. Since then, my parents have decided almost everything for me, my friends, my college, my stream (I took up Science while I loved Arts), the kind of clothes I wear and even the color of my lipstick when they allowed me to wear. As you see, I didn't have to make any decision all my life. Well, that is until Hemant proposed me.
Hemant was like a whiff of fresh air in my otherwise dull and bored life. In fact, I feel he was the only reason why I had a good time in the college. He was the only friend I chose, and not as if I had other choices. Our friendship was like it was bound to happen. We had an instant mutual liking for each other. He was smart, dashing, humorous and almost everything that I wanted in a man. But I thought I knew my parents won't accept him as he was my class-mate and of the same age. Moreover, even I wanted to spend my life with a well-settled matured man. Now I won't blame him that he felt hurt and shocked on my rejection and he never talked to me ever since. Last heard, he was a well settled professional in UK and still single. Yeah, I cant't help myself from checking out his profile on Facebook and I do that quite often. And you know what, he looks quite matured of late.
I got my second chance to make a decision when my parents asked me if I had someone in mind for my marriage before they look for one. Yes, they asked me and I never thought they would. But I had no choices. So, my parents went online shopping to a matrimonial site, picked five guys who looked "well settled and matured" and they left the decision on me to pick one. I picked up the same guy who I am sharing the bed with right now.
I know these thoughts will eventually subside with time. As they say, Time is a great healer. And in any case, if it hurts more, I can always direct the blame back on my parents for not training me to take a decision. But I know very well and deep within that the choice was solely mine. I chose a path of convenience rather than owning responsibility for my own life. But what if I had? I know I will never find an answer to this question but I have to live with it forever.
